10-13-08...HEY YOU ARE NOT WELCOME
Now I am from the South and we fellers down here are full of Charm and Hospitality. We welcome people in with a smile and a friendly howdy, com'on in sugah'. Well now it takes a lot for me to go back on my rasin' but a lady came to my door this past week that just wouldn't let me be charming or gracious.
She drove right on up to my door in a big white van. Moses didn't like her right away and started showin' his teeth and growlin' real low like. She came up to the door with a big false smile pasted on her face. I know about fake smiles cause I've seen a few. A fake smile just don't make it all the way up to the eyes. The lips are puckered out and the teeth are'a'showin' but look in the eyes. A real smile lights up the eyes and this lady was fakin' it big time. I was taught to always say Please and Thank you mam or sir but no thanks, and to say it sweet like. She had a big ol' book of some kind and I knew right away she was gonna' try to sell me somethin'.
She walked on up to the door with that fake smile on her face. I opened just the storm door a smidgen and stuck my head around the door with the sweetest smile on my face I could muster. Yep" A fake smile! YEP! What's good for the goose. Right? She said "Good afternoon Mam. Could I talk to you for just a minute or two"? Yep I said. And you never heard such a speel in your life as that ol' heiffer' started puttin' out. Oh My what a beautiful dog you've got there. She reached toward him and he snapped at her so I had to pick him up to keep him from wiping that fake smile off her face. Mine was gone a'ready. She didn't miss a beat. "Oh You have such a beautiful entryway. Can I come in and take a better look?" "Well I don't think that's" I started to say necessary but by then she had her foot on the floor just inside the door. She just walked right on in gushin' the whole time. "Oh your walls are so pretty! Is that cedar"? Well any fool outta' know cedar when they see it. Wouldn't you think? YEP! Moses was growlin' and snappin' and I was hanging on tight but he wanted a piece of her arm so bad it was gettin' harder." Oh she said "Could you do my eyelashes like yours"? Now come on, my southern charm was'a'goin' north fast. In fact it was almost to the north pole by now. "I have a chance to take all my family on a free trip to Las Vegas if I win this" (now by now I was not even listenin' to her prattle' and I wanted her gone.) I said "Honey I don't even know what you want with me. Could you please just tell me why you came to my door"? You notice I didn't say "And force your way into my house with no invitation"? Nope My charm was still working even if it was gettin' thin. "I'll go get the boy who came with me and have him bring the cleaners in"she said.
"HEY WHAT IN THE STUFFINS ARE YOU'A TALKIN' ABOUT LADY"? Now I was gettin steamed and my hackles were up worse that Moses's was. " I'm going to clean this floor for you" She said as she started out the door. Well I was gettin' a big mad on now and my southern charm was replaced with some good red faced, madder'n a hornet. down home fightin' mad. "NO I DON'T THINK SO THANK YOU ANYWAY". "Oh it will just take a few minutes with our new" ( don't know what she called it cause even my ears were poppin' by now) "No, Lady, I don't want you to clean my floors" "OK"? Moses was gettin' really mad now and when he gets too upset he has seizures "Lady if you start up some kind of machine in here Moses is going to bite you". Heck fire he has had all his shots so maybe her sour blood wouldn't kill him. I was about ready to tell him to bite the heck outta' her. "Well can't you put him in another room until we are done"? Well that done' it up good. Sorry Daddy but this time I think you would approve> "Now listen to me you hussy. You forced your way in to my house with your big motor mouth and fake smile, Started lying like a mangy dog with all that sweet talk, and now you tell me to lock my dog up so you can do what I done told you I don't want you to do! This is my house, this is Moses' home and my floors are already clean, my entryway aint nothin special, just the room where I hang my plants, and I don't want to buy your fancy machine, I just want you out of my house. RIGHT NOW! "Oh wont you just let me do the carpet in your entryway? You could put your dog in another room couldn't you"? " Now lady I'm about to unleash my dog on you. You dont have much sense do you? You don't even know the meaning of NO!!!" I started toward her .(now Daddy you know I wouldn't hit her, Don't You?)
"You are without a doubt the most stupid woman I have ever met. Now if you are not out of my house in 2seconds flat I will put you out and my dog will bite your butt as you go" "GOT IT"? She opened her mouth like she was gonna' argue with me but she was backing toward the door and all she did was splutter a tad bit.
I don't like to get mad and lose my manners with anyone but that ol' hag was just all I could handle. YEP! Funny thing is My floor really did need cleanin' but I'll do my own cleanin' THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
