3-3-09...FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
When that beautiful gray eyed baby was placed in my arms my life was transformed from night to day, scary to hopeful, helpless to vibrant. I was on top of the world magnificently changed from desolation to happiness. My life overflowed with such love in my heart it almost hurt. Never before, never since has that same feeling ever entered my soul. This little baby became my life, my reason for going on, my being.
The first month or so I couldn't sleep at night. Instead I hung over his crib and counted his every breath, watched every little detail of his tiny little mouth with its sucking motions and what I called grins. I held him, cuddled him, told him Mama loves you baby!
As he grew under my wing and protection I enjoyed every minute of it. Every diaper, every cry, every aspect of his day and night. When he first laughed out I thought my heart would stop from the joy of it. When I first heard him trying to say Mama tears flowed down my face in streams. He said Mama! I had never thought I would ever hear those wonderful words spoked to me. Oh the wonder of it. Oh Thank You Lord for the blessing of my Son Richard.
The day I took him to school when he started Kindergarten my heart was in my throat trying to spill out. What if he cried? What would I do? Could I leave him there and see him crying for me to take him? Could I? I didn't think I would be able to bear it.
School buses were unloading when we got there. I parked and got out, got Richard out and hand in hand we walked through those big double doors. I was trembling and close to tears. We found his room, I took a big breath of courage and we went in.
The Teacher greeted us, Richard told her his name and age while I stood glued to the spot afraid I would faint if I breathed hard. She told Richard he could go play with others until class started. He pulled his hand from mine. I was so reluctant to let go but knew I had to. The Teacher said I could go but if I wished to stay a while I was welcome to do so. Well I wished to stay and I did.
The kids were all on a big mat on the floor playing and getting acquainted. As other Mothers started leaving I was getting more and more nervous. I walked over and squatted down by Richard to tell him I was going to go on home. I was thinking, I can't do this. If he cries I am going to take him home with me. Oh my gosh, I can't do this!! Richard, I'm going on home now and I'll be back after you at 3:00. He looked up at me and said OK! OK? He said OK as if it didn't bother him a bit that I was leaving. He was so interested in the little boy beside him that he barely looked at me. Richard was fine but Mama wasn't. I got to my car holding back the tears. Once I got in the car though I couldn't hold them any more, and once I let them go I couldn't stop them. I cried until my chest hurt. I sobbed all day after I got home. My eyes were swollen almost shut and hurting. My head ached and I threw up. I was a complete mess! I had worried for weeks about this day. I was so afraid that Richard would cry. HE DIDN'T! I DID!
Richard was my life and soul. I treasured every minute of the time I had him but those first 5 years have to be my most precious. When they are small and so dependent on you they are all yours. But once they are old enough to go to school you start losing that little baby. He is growing up and from then on it gets worse. I wanted to always be there to pick him up and dry his tears but that is not to be. I had to let him go to school when he was still my baby and that was hard. Later things got even harder as he grew older. My Grandma once told me, "Clydene, when they are little they step on your toes, enjoy every step because later they will step on you heart". Oh How right she was. So very very right.
