3-10-09...MEMORIES NEVER DIE, THEY DO FADE
I decided about five years ago that I wanted to see the house where I grew up again. My Daddy died in 1985 and Mama moved in to an apartment a few years later. I had not been back. The house no longer belonged to my family so I just didn't go. After Mama died I had such fond memories of the place where we were a family and I was growing up. I felt I just had to go there again. I needed to re connect with my childhood. The feeling grew so strong in me that I could resist no longer. One day I took my camera and decided the time is now, I must do this no mater how hurtful it may be.
In the first place everything looked so different on the way that I began to wonder if I was even on the right road. This just couldn't be the roads I walked and played on all my life. I missed the turn because I didn't recognize it. I was just so astonished by that. How in the world could I get lost in an area that I knew every inch of? This just couldn't be! I have to admit that I was getting upset and just a bit scared. I knew for a fact that the house was still there and surely they hadn't moved the roads! But by golly something was not right. What the heck is happening here?!
I drove back and forth for what seemed like hours. I was too stubborn to turn around and get out of that odd place. Besides I was so lost by then I didn't even know how to turn around and leave. Oh My! I can't believe this. What in the world is wrong here? I didn't see a thing that I was familiar with. Nope! Not a cotton pickin' thing!
OK I thought, I have to get back to the railroad crossing and start over. But where in the heck is the rail road crossing? Shoot fire! now this was getting ridiculous. I was born here and raised here. Been in and outta' here millions of times or more. By golly I know that house is there and Im'a'gonna' find it.
I came to a house that looked familiar but the road sure didn't. There should be deep ditches. Wasn't this where we used to wade in the ditches. Well my goodness, There is Hall Parks store. Why in the world would they move that old store? How stupid! Hey wait a minute, they didn't move that dad burned thing cause there's his ol' house beside it. Surely they didn't move em' both. Well heck fire this must be the road. If it is then I know where I am. Yep!
I drove on up the road and turned on to the road that would go all the way down to the end. A dead-end road right by the railroad track.
I was getting excited now. Going home I was thinking, I'm going home. I drove on down and there it was. Oh Lord, where is the neat yard? And that porch my Daddy built with his own hands, that couldn't be it. Where is the Crepe Myrtle and the Walnut trees. I knew that was the house but what had happened to it? Oh lord! What have they done to my home? They have destroyed my home. Oh Please let me wake up from a bad dream.
There was a woman standing in the yard. I asked if I could look around and take some pictures of this place where I grew up. She said Sure it would be OK. I walked to the back and took a picture. Where was that China Berry tree we used to sit under? What is wrong with this place? This is not my home. Where is Daddies garden? The Rail Road tracks are not even here. They moved them too.
I finally found the tracks, they were still there but the weeds had grown up and they were almost hidden. The big field where we had our fort was overgrown, the persimmon tree and the blackberry patch were also gone. I walked back around to the front, took another picture, got in my car and left. About halfway up the road the tears forced their way out and started falling. I cried for hours. I had tried to go Home again and it wasn't there. I hadn't even asked to go inside because I knew I'd never be able to do it. I can remember the inside of that house just like it was. Warm and fuzzy memories. Loving memories. Oh how I was wishing I hadn't gone down there. You can never go back. That was not my wonderful home at all. Nothing was the same. I finally realized that it wasn't things, and stuff, that was missing. No. What was missing was us. Mama, Daddy, Norman, Me, Grandmas, Grandpas, Brenda, Paul, and Auntie. We were the home, not the house. I can't get that back physically but I can go there anytime I want to. I just have to turn my thoughts back to that ol' house and all the people who made a house a home. That's what home is all about. I was hurt and saddened by what I had seen but that wasn't my home anymore. I'll never go back. Those two pictures are still here. I even have them in my gallery but my Home is in my memories. They are only pictures.
So I've been home again this evening. I've wandered down that lane and gone in that house. I've reflected and remembered. I've smiled, laughed, and I've even cried. But I went home again and I am refreshed and very Thankful.
I wrote this poem years ago when I was away from home and couldn't come back. I went home in my mind this day just as I have done today.
OLD PATH OUT BACK
I walked along a path this morn' that I had walked before.
It ends up in the woods, it starts at my back door.
My Dad walked here many times, Mama and brother too.
I played here as a child, Now I'm alone and blue.
There was where my Daddy sat on a fallen log.
Here my brother and I played with our family dog.
My Mama came here many times just to be alone,
So did I, I loved it here and played the whole day long.
Now this path is silent, no one is around.
But if I listen carefully, God sends to me the sounds.
Sweet voices of my Family, though none of them are near.
Daddy is gone to Heaven, Mama no longer lives here.
My Brother, He's gone too, with a Family of his own.
But their beautiful memories are here and here we all still roam!!!
Clydene
