5-11-09...A SAD DAY
Yesterday was Mothers Day. A day to honor Mothers and show them love and gratitude. A day of flowers, gifts, candy and Dinners.
I had the sweetest Mother on Earth and I had the most wonderful Son on earth. My love was overflowing and ever fulfilling for me.
When I lost My Son at 16 in a car crash I was devastated. He was my only child. I would never see him grow in to the fine Man I knew he would be. I would never see him married with my Grandkids running around me the way I had envisioned. Calling me Grandma and allowing me to recapture the growing up of their daddy, My Son.
During my devastation I still had My Mama. I still honored and loved her. I still had a reason to celebrate Mothers Day.
When my sweet Mama died I lost the best friend I had on this earth. Mama died in November. Six months later Mothers Day arrived again. My first Mothers Day without my Mama and also without my Son. They were both gone and I was inconsolable.
On that Mothers Day I cowered in my house, in my room, in my bed, and didn't speak to anyone. I didn't want anyone around me. Didn't want to hear everyone talking about what their kids did for them or what they did for their Mothers. I couldn't handle it yet and was sure I never would be able to handle it. I didn't want to deal with that day ever again so I decided I just didn't have to. People close to me didn't understand and I thought they were being mean when They would say Happy Mothers Day. How could they? Didn't they know how much that day hurt me? Well of course they didn't understand. How could I expect them to? But I did expect them to understand. I DID!
It went on that way for three years. I just wouldn't go out of the house on Mothers Day. I couldn't! One Mothers Day I answered the phone and I related my feelings to the person on the other end of the line. This Person said “You are being selfish. It has been three years, you have to let it go”. Oh My Goodness, How that hurt. I lashed out and said, “ you have never been in my shoes. You have Your Mother today. You have your kids around you today. You are Blessed. Don't tell me I should just let it go until you know what you are talking about”. That person was cruel to me and hurt me bad but how could they know that. Like I said, until you walk in someones shoes and live their life you have no right to judge them. I couldn't judge her either. She really don't understand and I Pray she never does.
This is my second Mothers Day on The Hill. I have come a long way but I still don't do well on Mothers Day. To everyone who wished me a Happy Mothers Day. Thank You I do appreciate it and I know Your Hearts were in it. I love you for it.
I went to Church yesterday. I went last year also. When the Pastor asked for all Mothers to stand and be honored I stood proudly along with the others and received appreciation and applause. I was Honoring My Son and My Mama. They are in Heaven and I will no longer cower in a corner like they never existed. I know that was wrong even though I still desire to do the same thing and hide, I will not do it.
Yesterday was hard on me. It always will be. If I didn't know I will see them again I couldn't stand the pain. But I do know that. My Mama and My Son smiled down on me yesterday and I know they were Proud of me. I know I'll see them soon.
