1-12-11...ALWAYS GROWING
As I sit here in the early morning it is quiet and peaceful. I love this time of day. I remember, think, ponder, and just talk to myself.
Not goofiness like I'm prone to do but deep heartfelt thoughts as I look back over my long years on this earth. There have been tears and giggles, heartbreak and happiness, regret and shame, and wonderful times of such pure joy that I could hardly contain it.
Nothing remains the same. Things don't last whether it be good or bad. A storm may come crushing down on you leaving destruction behind. But storms don't last, they quickly move by. You sometimes think everything is good with your world but that don't last forever either. That is just the way of things, they will eventually change.
Sometimes we can straighten everything out but mostly we clean up and start over. Sometimes I feel like a young tender sapling amongst a huge Forrest. Scared, alone, unsure, and generally overwhelmed. I strive for more trying to look up but at the same time knowing I need to watch where I'm going for fear of being trampled under stronger things. Looking up is scary being surrounded as you are by things bigger and stronger, but looking down only becomes confusing and more scary.
You look around trying to find a friendly place and common ground with something. Your tender branches are not able to withstand the harsh realities of where you have found yourself.
Nothing around you is helpful but ready to suck your roots dry and destroy you. You know there is something or somewhere you need to be or go but you are lost and alone.
When I was young and carefree things seemed perfect. I'm glad I didn't know what was to come. I'm sure God gave me that wonderful magical childhood as a tiny sapling to prepare me for later when things got rough. As I have aged things have changed with me. I no longer dream of the future and all the great things I'm going to achieve. I am happy with the way things are most of the time. My perspective on most things has done a complete turn about.
My resistance to things like, problems, adversities, feelings, indeed my body does not respond to pain the way it always did. My feelings are much more easy to hurt and I'm finding the least thing and I go on a crying pity party. You would think that I'd have developed a shell hard as nails and not pent ratable by now but no, I'm very vulnerable to everything and I detest that. It takes years for a sapling to become a mighty oak and in the years spent growing it is never easy. There are those who would cut you down before you have a chance to achieve anything. You bend and crack but saplings are hard to break they bounce back.
I have achieved the status of an Oak now. The sapling that I was no longer exists. I am preening my branches and saying. I'm still here, look at me, I made it up out of the deep of the Forrest. My leaves are not ready to fall yet but they will. I just want to leave something behind that just maybe a young sapling can take root from. I hope I will.
