8-25-09...SHOUDA HADA COUDA WOUDA
How may times have I looked back on things and thought. Oh, if I just wouda done that different. If I hada done that I couda had this and I wouda been so much better satisfied. Sure nuff I wouda but if I hada then what wouda that caused. Sometimes I just drive myself bonkers this way. And what on earth difference does it make now. IT'S DONE and that's that.
That has been my thoughts for quiet a while now. Why did I marry him? I'm talking about my second husband. I was young when I married the first idiot and didn't have enough sense to know any better but not the second time. The second time I shoulda' known better. I was still young enough that I coulda' had a very happy life. But I thought I needed someone beside me. A helper, a companion, a friend. I though he was it. I met him in Church. I thought he was a kind generous christian man. I thought he would be a good stepdad for my 11 yr. Old son. I thought so many wrong things.
He ended up destroying my life, my happiness, my peace, and my self esteem. He took the best of me and stomped it in the ground. I hold him indirectly responsible for my Son's death. He took me away from all my Family. I saw my Daddy only a few times the year he died.
I thought I couldn't get away from him. After my Son died I gave up completely and just didn't care.
Now here I set in tormenting pain and I am wondering WHY?
We can never go back and wondering why is just a waste of my time. I'm 65 years old and I don't plan to waste anymore of my time dwelling on, couda, shouda, wouda, or if I hada done it different. Nope! I'm not wasting any more time. Within the next few months some things are going to change in my life and they are going to be well thought out and Prayed about. Which by the way I shouda, done in 1982 when I married him. YEP!!
