12-30-10...NOT A GOOD TIME
I try to be happy most of the time and succeed usually. But while Christmas is a Joyous fun time for some I know that there are some who it is a sad time for. I am one of the sad ones at any Holiday. It is not a scrooge Bah Humbug thing but a hurting heart thing.
I have always kept it at bay but this year I could not. Every year it has been harder. I tried to not ruin the time for my loved ones. Some of them knew and asked but how do you explain it. No one can walk in someone else's shoes and know their heart. Most of my family do understand up to a point and never condemn me for it. They love me and they want to help. But there are those that I must be around (in laws) who don't understand. They stuck knives through my heart this year and poured salt on the wounds. I need to spend the time quietly and just honor the concept of what Christmas really means. I make excuses for my actions and just offer my presence so the family that we have left can be intact. I think of past times when everything was so different. When I was happy and joyous. I watch as the kids eyes light up and know this is their time and I have no right to take even one moment away from them. I want them to have the kind of memories I have now. The warm and fuzzy happy heart feelings that will never leave me. I also want some new memories to carry home with me. Memories that keep my heart intact and carry me on for another year.
Please try and understand the best you can when someone seems unhappy at a time like this. If they can't really blend in and add to the time. Don't presume that you know what they are thinking. Don't call them an old curmudgeon or tell them to let it go. You don't know their heart. They may even have heartaches that you don't know about. Christmas is a time when those feelings surface. There are heartaches that can't be healed. They are always raw and painful. Don't make it worse for them.
This is a hard time for me but it will pass. I will once again be happy and try to be a Blessing to others. I will laugh and giggle and have fun. Just not right now. I have to get through this and I WILL! I always have.
