Thirty nine years ago today at app. 12:15 Pm A little bundle was placed in my arms wrapped cocoon like in a blue blanket. He had his fist up trying to suck on it and was making those sweet little baby sounds. I unwrapped my bundle slowly examining and counting every finger and toe. I looked inside the diaper. They told me it was a boy but I wanted to make sure and couldn't really tell by the bald head. I checked each part of this treasure separately and made sure nothing was amiss. I pronounced him Superior, perfect, magnificent , and all mine. I kissed every spot on that tiny body that I could manage. I told him I loved him more than my life and that I would die for him if need be. I told him his name was Richard Don and that he was my pride and joy, my reason for living from there on.
He was a joy to me. Those first five years sailed by and I guess I thought it was all going to be like this. I had so much fun and happiness during those years. I'll always have them to look back on with gratitude and wonder.
The first inkling I had that my bubble was about to burst was when I realized that Richard was soon to go to school. I dreaded the day but it finally came and it tore my heart out. But Richard was fine, he liked school. I was never like other Mothers who couldn't wait for school to start every year. I was never happy to see him go off to school. I was losing my baby and I knew it. I still had no inkling of the greater pain and heartache to come.
Richard never got too big for me to hug and kiss and he never thought he was. Mamma's hugged and kissed their kids, he accepted that.
The next few summers were the happiest times of my life. I had Richard home with me. I watched him grow and get more mature and still he was my baby. He didn't mind me calling him baby. I never would in front of his friends though. I knew that would be embarrassing for him.
Richard never grew away from me in his short 16 years even though he was kept away from me. And when he got taller than me he would bend down so that I could hugg' his neck and kiss his cheek.
I lost my baby forever when he was only sixteen years old. Thirty nine years ago and seems like yesterday. Part of me went with him. I just didn't think I would ever be able to bear it. Sometimes I still think I can't bear it.
Today I have tried to keep busy and keep my mind off the heartache but just like other years it doesn't work. My mind goes back to that day when all was fresh and new and wonderful. When roses bloomed in my room and birds chirped in the trees outside. I can still smell those roses blended with that wondrous baby smell and everything was sweet and precious. A time I thought would always be in my mind ,even though I had to know it couldn't be.
A never ending sorrow is how my life is now but I have learned I need to cope with it. Not really accept it gladly but live with it and still find goodness, happiness, and some contentment. To still be able to have a good laugh at times even though there are also times of sorrow and weeping.
February 5th 1971 was a precious day but February 5th 2010 has been a tortuous day . A day of crying and reflecting. A sad day indeed. By the Grace Of God I have again survived this day and I am Thankful.
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