JUST SOME THOUGHTS

11-3-10...JUST SOME THOUGHTS

This time of year is always so hard for me. Memories of what was and never will be again come pouring in so fast I can't contain them. The rest of the year is much easier because my mind can overpower the bad with the sweet memories of my youth. I can reach in the deep part of my heart and pull out such beautiful memories that sustain me. The four months coming up make that very hard to do. November, December, January, and February always tear down that wall of protection I have placed on my heart. The glue that holds breaks and the cracks of my heart no longer holds. The memories that overflow my being now are Dark and foreboding, harsh and cruel. This should be a peaceful and serene time. The year coming to an end, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a fresh new year beginning. It should be and is usually for many. I tried so hard for so many years to make it so for me. I finally gave up and decided to just roll with the flow so to speak. Live for today. Yesterday has passed me by, I can't fix it. Tomorrow will come and I'll deal with that, tomorrow. Can't fix that today either.

So if the memories that come to me today aren't pleasant so be it. They are mine to do with as I please. They happened to me, I dealt with them then and I will deal with them now. I must deal with them in my way, and in my time. If I cry, I cry. If I pull in and discuss things with my best friend, Who is God, and just stay quiet and alone then that is the way I handle it that day. My best friend is always there and He Listens when no one else will. Today I have chosen to come to my un-seen friends all over this big and great world and open my heart. I'm sad and my heart is hurting. Soon after Christmas is my only Child's Birthday. Richard loved Christmas and Thanksgiving. His gray eyes would sparkle and dance. Richard never asked for much. I'll never forget the time he came to me with a catalog and asked, “Mamma do you have enough money to get me these three things for Christmas”? I didn't know how but I knew I would move Heaven and Earth to get those things for him, and I did. So while my memories of Richard are sweet and precious they still tug hard at my heart. They make me vulnerable to hurt and I cry a lot. If I seem to be neglecting my friends and family it is not intentional. It will pass. Please bear with me.

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

I washed your sweet face and kissed tears from your eyes.

Let you do some things while I sat and cried.

I doctored skinned knees and cooked favorite meals.

Only a Mother could know how it feels.

I watched you grow and guided your first steps.

Had to turn loose when you no longer needed my help.

I baked a million cookies and poured the pop.

As long as I lived I never wanted to stop.

I sat many nights beside you when you were ill.

Then Prayed my Thanks to God, you were once again well.

As I watched you cry or watched you at play.

I didn't think of the time when you'd be away.

I liked to watch your every move, catching you before you fall.

Choosing your friends for you.

The day I watched you go off to school, me crying like a fool.

Never knowing then that worse was to come.

I was to lose you for good, my only Son.

I still cry, but you are still here with me it seems.

You are here in my heart, You are here in my dreams.

I miss you so much, but you're here in a way

You left Mama so much behind

like sweet things you would say.

Your smile is in the stars that twinkle in the night.

I see your sweet face in the sun smiling and bright.

I feel your touch in a puppy so fluffy and sweet.

Your kiss in the whisper of a breeze on my cheek.

Clydene Overbey 1988